I am on the final stretch of the pregnancy.
My last pregnancy (at least from our plans).
It feels different, surreal and new.
It has been a very rocky ride, this last time. Physically challenging, yes, but more than anything, emotionally and mentally, I am drained from life's twists and turns that I have never expected to happen, that, I feel, have stolen from me much of the precious time with this my new little baby.
Every moment now counts a hundred times more than it ever did before. Last weeks. Last days. Kicks to enjoy. Feelings to soak in.
Silent conversations to remember that will always stay only between me and my little, but so, so loved already, little boy.
I've stepped on the path of a transition. Preparing for the birth, setting intentions, doing things I've always wanted to do but either never had a chance to or... simply ran out of time. It seemed so often that there would be another chance, but here I am, with the 7th baby almost in my arms and very many wishes, plans and desires still "on the waiting list", that, I am realizing now, I will probably never get to.
There are things though, that I've always done, no matter the rollercoaster of life, for each and every baby. Some I already shared with you on Instagram, and others kept to myself, debating for a while if it was too personal to share.
They are intentions, motherly blessing, if you will, a wish for new baby's life - a prayer from every fiber of my soul for the happiness of each and every one of my children. Each has a little token of their own, charged with all the love my heart is capable of, and I have something connecting to it - a jewelry piece, that reminds me of those very special last weeks and my thoughts and feelings every time I wear it.
I've been looking for something that would feel just right for some time as Simon G appeared on my path. The company followed me and wanted to send a push gift.
My heart skipped a beat.
Simon G's gracious offer had more to it than just beautiful jewelry. They didn't know of a sentimental value simple combination "Simon G" carries for me.
My ring, the engagement/wedding ring I wear every day, is custom-designed after being inspired by one of Simin G's beautiful collections a few years after we were married and after we had our "lifeboat" rocked a bit when our daughter was born much too early.
When we got married, we were just a "student family", with a very tight budget and my ring seemed to be a much less important thing to spend the money on at the moment, so it was as simple as simple gets, with the intention to upgrade it later, when the time came.
So, the new ring, designed and created a few years into the marriage, was intended to be a symbol of a new life path, a symbol of new beginnings and, most importantly, it's a token of most sincere hope and belief that a rainbow always comes after the rainstorm.
I cling to this "token" every time when life throws one of its extra strong waves at me, gives me the strength to keep on going forward, although sometimes it is not so easy.
It seemed someone symbolic in some ways that Simon G appeared on my path at the very beginning of parenting, and now, after making a much fuller, than ever, planned circle, it appeared again with the 7th baby.
I've been longing for some time to separate my mind from hustle and bustle of life. Longing for time to fully immerse myself into the very special emotional and energetic space that only happens during the pregnancy and to connect with my little so loved and so wanted, baby, who has been so patiently waiting for me. Hypnobabies prep-course always talks about a "special place" you create in your mind for you and your baby, where no life or everyday trouble can touch you. I didn't really know if there is such a place in real life, but one of the afternoons the other day I just decided cut the working day short and let myself wander, think and connect to the baby. Justin tagged along, but silently and behind me. He's too worried to let me go anywhere by myself at this stage of pregnancy, but he knew that I needed "my space" at the moment.
I ended up close to the beach. Whether because it was too windy or because it was in the odd hour, there was hardly anyone there. I had miles and miles of sand and open waters just to myself and my baby. A "special place", just like Hypnobabies talks about, cut off from civilization and real life, a place to think, imagine and connect with nature and the baby.
I spend a couple of hours there, gazing into the endless waters, trying to imagine what the life path of the new little one will be like and send all the love, protection prayers, every good memory of this pregnancy and everything good my entire being is capable of, to the jewelry pieces held tight in my hand. It is my little token of strength and hope now.
Motherhood is not easy. There are times when it seems unbearably hard. These are times when I reach for my tokens and the memories of all intentions, all things good and important that connect to the baby, pregnancy, and birth, surface again and give me another push to hold myself together and keep going forward. I now have one more token to keep me on my path.
I stopped by the new coffee shop right outside of the baby store I was headed to after the beach. As I sat there, a new feeling of peace and calm planted itself deep into my heart. I couldn't help but smile, imagining the reactions Elia and Evyianne will have to the new baby, and the trouble he will give them in a year or two.
I smiled reading through my 5 pages of baby-name options: I still have no idea what name we will end up choosing. I smiled thinking back on all the months of this pregnancy. Rocky as they were, I will miss this time. I know I will. But I also know that I am ready for a new stage of our lives. I am ready to turning the last page and starting a new chapter that will happen as this new little boy enters this world.