If malfunctions occur...

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct
slowdown in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower
and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.
In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs
such as Rugby, Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no
longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried
running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I
Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. Don't forget to
install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed,
Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and
Flowers. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a
very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the
background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work
better running one task at a time. You might consider buying
additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Food and Hot Lingerie .
Good Luck,
Tech Support

I know and I love

From the outside